carrying the great torch of anarhcy, úúúúú Ú¿  ڿ Ú¿ Ú Ú Ú Ú Ú¿ Ú¿ ÚÚ ÚÚ Ú Ú¿ úúúúú úúú úúú ³³³ ³ ³³ ³³ ³ à À¿À¿ ³³³ ô À´ ô à ³³³ úúú úúú úú A úú À À Á ÀÀ ÀÙ À À Ù Ù À À ÀÀ ÄÙ ÀÀ À À À úú A úú úúú úúú present‚ úúú úúú úúúúú úúúúú file number 18 in our series "New Users & Chemical Fun" by GREAT ONE released on the 5rd day of July, in the year of 1992 'DA' DISCLAIMER: We take no blame or hold no responsibility for any acts carried out whether suggested, implied, or inspired by this text. This should be used for informational purposes only. We ask that this file be uploaded around in its original unedited form ONLY. Once again, after a long dark period of time, the Mindless Mayhem team has come out with another text file. I am sorry that is has been such a long time since our most latest release, but we too have social lives and do not live in front of the computer screen. The times that we HAVE had the time to write, we have had no idea on what to write about. Since we are small, there are not too many ideas floating around. Right now, I am writing this as I think it out, and I probably won't edit out the errors later on. But hey, who cares, as long as it's fun reading, right? -- Great One ------------------------------------------------------------------------ This file is not a typical mayhem file. Instead, I have decided to share the wealth of information I learn from my new users. Current users on my board (and I am sure of countless others) know of the Good SysOp's plight to rid the world (or her/his BBS) of the lousy, no good, stupid new users, thoughtfully coined as 'Fuckheads' from one of the users on my system. In this file, we shall go into the mind of one of these 'Fuckheads' and see what that person is really thinking. I will start out with the lowliest form of new user, one that has no name or classification. I'm sure you know the type. They are the ones that could quite possibly be the jocks at school or the dunces at work that sit and drool and manage a few "Whuh?"'s and grunts every now and then when talked to. These new users are the ones that have a bit of difficulty actually logging on new, let alone figuring out how to go about doing it. Here is a rough sample of the shuttle log-on screen that I have: (L)ogon to BBS (Shuttle Password is required) (A)pply to BBS as a New User ($) Check for validation (also find out Shuttle Password) (T)oggle ANSI ON/OFF (C)hat with SysOp (N)ote to SysOp (G)oodbye, and logoff Amazing as it is, people hit 'L' and type in "NEW" as the shuttle password, when it clearly says that the 'A' key will allow you to log on as a new user! The more intellectually inclined of these may enter THEIR OWN PASSWORD, thinking it will open the Magic Door and allow them into the deep recesses of my computer. I think not! After they get hung up for repeated illegal log-on attempts, they usually call back (but not always, for such work is tedious and sweaty) and try it again. The top 10% of these manage to discover the wonderful world of the other commands, such as trying to discover the password under another users account, toggling ansi on and off, trying to send me mail, even though there is no account for them to do that with. Eventually, they discover the 'A' key and press it. After pressing the 'A' key, there is a long list of things I had to say that rarely any of them ever read. Because of this, many do not get considered for access, which is really no major loss to the new user pool. Those that do read some of it get to enter their handle, and the ordinary new user procedures continue. Everything works out pretty well until it asks what city they are from. Most of the time, they will be co-operative, and enter a city that at least SOUNDS real, like the ficticious town of "Danville" that some of my users use. However, some try to be cute and use "Hell" or "Heaven" or "MetallicaRULZEZ!!!!!!!!!!1111" or something stupid like that. They usually get warned to change it (assuming they get in), so I am sort of nice. Then, there's the 'Where did you get the humber from?' part. Many, many different answers are placed here. Such good ones are: Friend, A BBS List, a board that I call, had the number, copy of telix I downloaded, etc. THIS TELLS ME A WHOLE LOT! When asked to explain, they say that their friend gave them the number, and that his name is Joe. Well, how many people in my user log have the name Joe? Got me, I'm not going to count and guess which Joe it was that gave him the number. Which BBS list? They don't know, it was just this list at work or school or from some board. It could have been the Stillwaters BBS listing for all I know! Not nearly good enough of a reply! A board that you call? I call boards too! As a matter of fact, all of them have NAMES, including the one that you are applying to! New Users tend to have this idea that us SysOp's are All Knowing. This is true. We are All Knowing. But what it is we all know is something you don't. And we know that if you don't give us the info, that you all won't get access. So other than knowing that, we are pretty limited unless we call all over the place and know where you call, etc. You have to give the board's name and number, or at least the NAME! Some SysOp's (such as myself) cringe at the thought of people handing out the number to whomever asks for it. So the NAME would probably fit best. You had the number? And how did you come across it in the first place? Were you a user here with a different handle? WHAT? You got the number off of TELIX? Since when did people zip their terminal program and upload it for credit, with numbers and passwords in tact? That is new to me. It never would have ever dawned on me that people would get so desperate for credit that they would send up copies of the software they use along with the BBS numbers in them. Next, we have the QUESTIONAIRRE! This is long and hard (not a pun, or in reference to anything or anyone) and most people do not finish it (here at least. I think I have the only board with a 20 minute long questionairre in the 708/312 area). But do they call back to leave a new user letter? NO! Let's let the sysop guess about the guy! If he doesn't care enough to call back and ask for access, then too bad. I've noticed people have applied weeks after they've done it because I don't go through the user log EVERY DAY just for fun! When you have users in the triple digits, it gets tiring and the fun it once was to flip through the listing becomes a drag. But back to my questions from hell, people actually think that they will get in by answering 'Who Carez d00d' or 'I dunno, but I got some cool gamez for you if you let me in', or even blank lines. Just the other day, some guy logged on new, and left the ENTIRE questionairre blank. Sure, I don't care if you skip a few. BUT THE WHOLE THING? Hahah, very funny. But there are some good responses from the general pool of new users. For example: o THG = The Huge God o BBS = Bullatian Bored system o MODEM = ? o PKWare = I thought it was PKUNZIP o CPS = Cool, personified sysops, like the one here Like I believe that! I don't mind the people guessing, but you know the saying (and if you don't, you will in a moment), "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." People can probably use that argument against me, but we won't go into that. . . OK, so the new user finally finishes and gets access. He calls, and by chance, I happen to be watching since it is BBS Prime time, in the late evening. He aborts all news. He skips the news section. Skips the bulletins. Aborts the main menu. Hit's "F" and then scans the new files. WHAT A COOL GUY! I really want him here! And then, as if magic, he hangs up. What? He scans for new files and hangs up? He is now a newly deleted user. There are those few that manage to get the "F" in so fast it does something he doesn't want, like list the most wanted "F"iles in the bulletin section. Darn! Serves 'em right. Some of the new users aren't like that at all. They read the news. They read the opening message base. Look at some bulletins. Look at the main menu. And look at the main menu. Look some more. HELLO? ARE YOU THERE? The user seems to have lost all contact with the outside world. True, the main menu is pretty, but not that pretty. I am almost positive there is a command there somewhere that will run something satisfactory for that user. For these types, I prefer the "G"oodbye command, but it takes them some good time to discover that the keyboard is used to select commands, and therefore let the board log them off depending on how long they have been allowing their keyboard to become drenched in drool. Some of the really great users are the ones that try to chat right away. Their chat topics are fascinating. For example: How old are you? mY NAIME IS gEORGE AND I LOIKE STRAWBERRIES!!!!!!!!!1121`#~ Are you male or female? What files do you have? Things like that. What I think is REALLY cool is when they scan the files, and find something they want. They try to download it, but can't, because they do not have the credit to do so. So what do they do? They try to page the SysOp and use a inconspicuous topic like "How about them Bulls?" LIKE WE DON'T KNOW THEY WANT FILE POINTS! Who are they trying to kid? Not all SysOps are warm, kind, and giving. I merely laugh at them and talk about them to other users in the message base, which these new users haven't even heard of. They learn about the message base pretty quick when it comes to the Post-to-Call Ratio though! Usually, they post messages with a stunning uniqueness found only in those that care only about files. I've seen messages that ranged from "Hi." and thats it, to "FUCK THE PCR RATIO!!!!!!!". Once the SysOp reads these, something truly evil happens to that paticular users account. There is much more that can be said about new users. The New User Password, for example, always seems to be their handle, at least that's what they try to use, and try it more than once. There is also the new user that doesn't get access, so they call the board and hang up on it, and repeat that for a while. All I can say about that is that I hope the call isn't local. Note: entered in at 9:39pm 7-7-92 Guess what! A new user called and discovered that the board was not accepting new users. So, he entered 'Fuck You Asshole' as the shuttle password. Yes, he is, isn't he? He's a fuck, an asshole, and doesn't know whom to direct his comments to. I wish I knew who he was so I could tell you, but since the board doesn't take new users. . . He didn't have a chance to fill out the app for me to tell you with. In any case, I would have to say that trying 'fuck you asshole' would not get you on ANY board, ANYWHERE, unless that happens to be the new user password and the SysOp is in sixth grade. Why can't people be mature about the whole thing? If the board isn't accepting new users, it's not because we don't want that person in paticular, the board just doesn't want any new users period! There's no need to swear and whine. It won't get you in. -- Great One If you haven't died of boredom yet, you may wish to continue reading on. This part will not contain new users, their activity, or their remarkable simularity with the Dani's of New Guiena (sp?). [The Dani's are a simple tribe that live on agriculture and often fight with other tribes by using harsh language. They do have bows and arrows, but you have a better chance of obtaining a tank than they have of hitting with one. They are crude and lousy shots. They also wear gourds as crotch protection, and believe ducks are evil spirits. So now you know a little more of the cultures around you] This section contain more things along the lines of what to do during the month of July, etc. Fun fun fun! I am going to take for granted you have access to black powder and such. Even if you don't, I'm sure you'll find it enjoyable all the same. Obtain some 35 mm roll film cases. These make great gunpowder holders, or firework boxes, whatever you want to call them. Fill it up, but not all the way, and put some wadding in. Punch a hole in the top, feed a wick thru it, and then put that thru the wadding and into the powder. Now, get a roll of masking tape, or something that will hold, like duct tape. Wrap and wrap and wrap [and if you are so inclined, rap while you wrap] until its nice and thick. Then set it off where ever you deem appropiate. Of course, it may be poor, or great, or somewhere in between. It is not uncommon for the powder just to burn and throw sparks, or to get a sonic boom that rattles the windows. It all depends on what you do with it. After you master that, it's time to add some stuff to the container. If you have them, you may want to dismember the box of 40 or so saturn rockets, and place several in the container. When lit (the wick leading into the container filled with gunpowder, silly!) there *should* be a boom and the rockets will come soaring out in any direction at all. You can cause panic with these things if you use several and not warn anyone about what is about to happen. Make sure you have packed the powder REAL good, or something will happen as it did to me today. To make a long story short, I had made 2/3 of a pound of gunpowder today {no easy task finding the kno3! At least for me anyway. I seem to live in a chemical free environment} Anyway, I used 1/3 of that in a small plastic [I know that was stupid] container, and wrapped tape all around it, paper, more tape and more tape. The container withstanded it all right. But the top melted as soon as the wick hit the powder. Since it was free to do as it pleased, it melted the container, burnt out the bottom of it, and left me mighty anxious looking and jumping up and down swearing. So the moral of this story is to use a REAL container and compact it 'til it hurts! With bottle rockets, you can do the same thing (use them as you did the saturn rockets). You can also light them, hold on to them until the last moment, and throw them up. They should go higher that way. It may sound stupid, dull, and boring, but try it. It's not that bad! closing credits: home board to Mindless Mayhem is DESTINY KNIGHTS 7O8 3O7 3768 Leaders: Great One among others much less significant such as The Beastmaster Holdings: Meager 24OO baud modem, 200 megs of hard drive capacity, several hundred text files, plus ALL GREAT Mindless Mayhem releases Note: We are not accepting New Users at this time. This is to keep out all of the 'fuckheads' that seem to keep calling. Have a Nice Day! "Tu-tu was a race horse. Wun-wun was one, too. Tu-tu won a race one day, and Wun-wun won one, too" -EOF