A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort - Herm Albright (1876 - 1944)
I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why? - Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska), June 2006
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. - Jack Handey
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. - Jack Handey
They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck.  It's a series of tubes.  And if you don't understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material. - Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska), June 2006
In a democracy dissent is an act of faith - J. William Fullbright
Three can keep a secret if two are dead. - Ben Franklin
Complaining is good for you as long as you're not complaining to the person you're complaining about. - Lynn Johnston
"As people do better, they start voting like Republicans... unless they have too much education and vote Democratic, which proves there can be too much of a good thing."  - Karl Rove, Ex-Bush Advisor
I'm like the phone company. I'm reaching out and touching you all as hard as I can.  - the late Ol' Dirty Bastard
"The big danger is one of hubris. There's a tendency after you win your second term to think you're invulnerable. You're not just king of the mountain, you've mastered the mountain. That can often lead to mistakes of excessive pride." - David R. Green, former presidential adviser.
"You fucking son of a bitch. I saw what you wrote. We're not going to forget this."  - George W. Bush to writer and editor Al Hunt, 1988 
"You've heard Al Gore say he invented the internet.  Well, if he was so smart, why do all the addresses begin with W?" - George W. Bush 10-28-00   
"If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything!" - George W. Bush 
Paranoia is the disease of the free. - William S. Burroughs
Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts. - William S. Burroughs
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." - George W. Bush, LaCrosse, Wisconsin, Oct. 18, 2000  
"If I'm the president, we're going to have emergency-room care, we're going to have gag orders." - George W. Bush
"Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it." - George W. Bush
"You don't need no exploits. Get some corn!" - Cuberoot
"It's one thing about insurance, that's a Washington term." - George W. Bush
"I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun." - George W. Bush
"Mr. Vice President, in all due respect, it is I'm not sure 80 percent of the people get the death tax. I know this: 100 percent will get it if I'm the president." - George W. Bush
All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer.  - IBM maintenance manual (1925)
"Quotas are bad for America. It's not the way America is all about." - George W. Bush
"If affirmative action means what I just described, what I'm for, then I'm for it." - George W. Bush, St. Louis, Mo., October 18, 2000 
"Our priorities is our faith." - George W. Bush, Greensboro, N.C., Oct. 10, 2000 
As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.  - Dave Barry
Hey, it's fucking fun... so don't even knock shooting people.  -Tombin
I hate flowers. I paint them because they're cheaper than models and they don't move. - Georgia O'Keefe
If you spend more on coffee than on IT security, you will be hacked.  What's more, you deserve to be hacked.  - Former White House Cybersecurity Advisor Richard Clark
One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. - Plato
The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers. - Richard W. Hamming
"I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children." - George W. Bush, Second presidential debate, Oct. 11, 2000
"It's going to require numerous IRA agents." - George W. Bush, On Gore's tax plan, Greensboro, N.C., Oct. 10, 2000
"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question." George W. Bush, in response to a question about whether he wished he could take back any of his answers in the first debate. Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000 
"It's a school full of so-called at-risk children. It's how we, unfortunately, label certain children. It means basically they can't learn." - George W. Bush
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." - George W. Bush, 10/03/2000
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."  - Dave Platt
Restrictions of free thought and free speech is the most dangerous of all subversions. It is the one un-American act that could most easily defeat us.  - William O. Douglas
The Revolution was affected before the war commenced. The Revolution was in the minds and hearts of the people. This radical change in the principles, opinions, sentiments and affections of the people was the real American Revolution. - John Adams
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. - John F. Kennedy
Those who suppress freedom always do so in the name of law and order. - John V. Lindsay
Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want rain without thunder and lightning. - Frederick Douglass
Man's capacity for justice makes democracy possible, but man's inclination to injustice makes democracy necessary. - Reinhold Niebuhr
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein
"I don't want to run a company.  I'm not good at managing people.  You have a problem with the guy in the next cubicle?  I don't care.  Shoot him or something." - Marc Andreessen, founder of Netscape, in Rolling Stone May 1997
This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it. - Abraham Lincoln
The French Revolution of a hundred and fifty years ago gradually ushered in an age of political equality, but the times have changed, and that by itself is not enough today. The boundaries of democracy have to be widened now so as to include economic equality also. This is the great revolution through which we are all passing. - Jawaharlal Nehru
#10:[luthor) fiber please.
If our economy of freedom fails to distribute wealth as ably as it has created it, the road to dictatorship will be open to any man who can persuasively promise security to all. - Will Durant
This is Preservation Month.  I appreciate preservation.  It's what you do when you run for president.  You gotta preserve.  - George W. Bush, speaking during Perseverance Month at Fairground Elementary School.  01/28/2000
I understand small business growth.  I was one. - George W. Bush, 02/19/2000
It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil.  More and more of our imports come from overseas. - George W. Bush, 10/25/2000
I want each and every American to know for certain that I'm responsible for the decisions I make, and each of you are as well. - George W. Bush, 10/20/2000
They misunderestimated me.  - George W. Bush, 11/06/2000
I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating. - George W. Bush, 04/03/2000
There's a huge trust.  I see it all the time when people come up to me and say, 'I don't want you to let me down again'. - George W. Bush, 10/03/2000
Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness. - George W. Bush, 08/30/2000
The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep some of their own money.  - George W. Bush, 10/13/2000
I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.  - George W. Bush, 01/27/2000
Reading is the basics for all learning. - George W. Bush, 03/28/2000
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.  - George W. Bush, 01/03/2000
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? - George W. Bush, 01/11/2000
Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis. - George W. Bush, 04/15/2000
It's clearly a budget.  It's got a lot of numbers in it. - George W. Bush, 05/05/2000
I don't read what's handed to me. - George W. Bush, 03/15/2000
The woman who knew that I had dyslexia, I never interviewed her. - George W. Bush, 10/15/2000
As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards. - George W. Bush, 08/30/2000
We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers. - George W. Bush, 09/06/2000
The fundamental question is, Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy?  I will be, but until I'm the president, it's going to be hard for me to verify that I think I'll be more effective. - George W. Bush, 06/27/2000
I hope to get a sense of, should I be fortunate enough to be the president, how my administration will react to the Middle East. - George W. Bush, 10/12/2000
Vote early and vote often. - Al Capone
I don't even know what street Canada is on. - Al Capone
You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone. - Al Capone
When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging.  When my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality. - Al Capone
This American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it capitalism, call it what you will, gives each and every one of us a great opportunity if we seize it with both hands and make the most of it. - Al Capone
Other kids are brought up nice and sent to Harvard and Yale.  Me? I was brought up like a mushroom. - Frank Costello
Honest people have no ethics. - Sam DeCavalcante
One hand washes the other... both hands wash the face. - Sam Giancana
I never lie to any man because I don't fear anyone.  The only time you lie is when you are afraid. - John Gotti
He who is deaf, blind, and silent, lives a thousand years in peace. - John Gotti
Three-to-one odds I beat this. - John Gotti
Never open your mouth unless you're in the dentist chair. - Sammy "The Bull" Gravano
Everybody has a price. - Jimmy Hoffa
Run from a knife and rush a gun. - Jimmy Hoffa
Always overpay your taxes.  That way you'll get a refund. - Meyer Lansky
Don't lie, Tell one lie, then you gotta tell another lie to compound on the first. - Meyer Lansky
Behind every great fortune, there is a crime! - Charlie  Lucky  Luciano
There's no such thing as good money or bad money. There's just money - Charlie  Lucky  Luciano
Ever since we was kids, we always knew that people can be bought. It was only a question of who did the buying and for how much. - Charlie  Lucky  Luciano
The United States of America versus Anthony Spilotro.  Now what kind of odds are those? - Anthony "Tough Tony" Spilotro
Always be nice to bankers. Always be nice to pension fund managers. Always be nice to the media. In that order. - John Gotti
If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter. - John Gotti
"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known." - Walt Disney 
"Nobody shot me." - Frank Gusenberg's last words when asked by police who shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the St. Valentine's Day Massacre
"I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes." - W.C. Fields 
"I don't want a lawyer to tell me what I can't do.  I hire him to tell me how to do what I want to do." - J.P. Morgan 
"I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and fine it $40." - Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd just shot 
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." - Samuel Goldwyn 
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than one and a half tons." - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science in 1949  
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields 
"More than the usual number of flakes shut the government down in Washington today." - WNYW Channel 5 News during the Blizzard of 1996 
"If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?" - Albert Einstein
Shooting the users in the foot is bad. Giving them a gun isn't. - Gordon Schumacher, Mozilla bug #84128
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. - Albert Einstein
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. - Albert Einstein
Experience is a dear teacher, and only fools will learn from no other. - Benjamin Franklin
Genius without education is like silver in the mine. -  Benjamin Franklin
He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money. - Benjamin Franklin
If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun. - Benjamin Franklin
They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. - Benjamin Franklin
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. - John F. Kennedy
Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late. - Benjamin Franklin
A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world. - Oscar Wilde
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. - Oscar Wilde
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. - Oscar Wilde
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. - Oscar Wilde
I can resist everything except temptation. - Oscar Wilde
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. - Oscar Wilde
I am not among those who fear the people. They, and not the rich, are our dependence for continued freedom. - Thomas Jefferson
He who strikes terror into others is himself in continual fear. - Claudian
The bigger a state becomes the more liberty diminishes. - Jean Jacques Rousseau  
There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things. - Machiavelli
Though we have heard of stupid haste in war, cleverness has never been seen associated with long delays.  - Sun Tzu, the Art of War
If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.  - Sun Tzu
"Women should be obscene and not heard." - Groucho Marx
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped." - Groucho Marx
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members." - Groucho Marx
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others." - Groucho Marx
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." - Pablo Picasso
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." - Rich Cook
"Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer."  - Rita May Brown
"UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity." - Dennis Ritchie
"The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit." - Eric Porterfield
"The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier" - Bill Gates
"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." - Isaac Asimov
"Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up." - James Magary
"In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear." - John C. Dvorak
"The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents." - Nathaniel Borenstein
"The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep." - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous
"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net." - Bob Dole
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - Dan Quayle
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." - Hillary Clinton
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago." - Dan Quayle
"Reach out and grep someone."  - Bell Labs Unix
"The only secure computer is one that's unplugged, locked in a safe, and buried 20 feet under the ground in a secret location... and I'm not even too sure about that one" - Dennis Hughes, FBI
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." - Western Union internal memo, 1876
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.  - Edgar A. Shoaff
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. - Unknown
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. - Winston Churchill
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. - Adlai Stevenson
A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks. - New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea. - John Ciardi
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - William James
A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. - Robert Frost
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.  - Unknown
A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do.  - Dennis M. Ritchie
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing. - Alan Perlis
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. - H. H. Munroe
A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. - Unknown
A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. - Gloria Steinem
A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which was intended for her preservation. - Colton
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. - Unknown
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard. - Prof. Steiner
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. - Unknown
A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author. - S. C. Johnson
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.  - John Ciardi
A witty saying proves nothing. - Voltaire
"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends." - Herbert Hoover
According to my best recollection, I don't remember. - Jimmy Blue Eyes
All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore, all men are Socrates. - Woody Allen
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.  - Unknown
All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. - Unknown
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.- Dave Barry
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. - John O'Hara
An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because people refuse to see it. - James Michener, Space
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops. - Unknown
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. -  Louis Hector Berlioz
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.  - David Letterman
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. - Robert Benchley
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. - Unknown
We cannot control the direction of the wind, but maybe we can adjust our sails. - Fr. Emmerich Vogt
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. - Albert Einstein
Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater. - Albert Einstein
Ethical axioms are found and tested not very differently from the axioms of science. Truth is what stands the test of experience. - Albert Einstein
Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence. - Albert Einstein
I never think of the future - it comes soon enough. - Albert Einstein
If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor. - Albert Einstein 
Imagination is more important than knowledge. - Albert Einstein
Laws alone cannot secure freedom of expression; in order that every man present his views without penalty there must be spirit of tolerance in the entire population. - Albert Einstein
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind. - Albert Einstein
Reading, after a certain age, diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking. - Albert Einstein
The ideals which have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Kindness, Beauty, and Truth. The trite subjects of human efforts, possessions, outward success, luxury have always seemed to me contemptible.  - Albert Einstein
The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity.  - Albert Einstein 
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.  - Albert Einstein 
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is at all comprehensible.  - Albert Einstein 
The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one. - Albert Einstein 
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. - Albert Einstein
To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself. - Albert Einstein 
Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves. - Albert Einstein
Truth is what stands the test of experience. - Albert Einstein 
Try not to become a man of success but rather to become a man of value. - Albert Einstein
We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. - Albert Einstein 
Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever. - Albert Einstein
Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind. - Albert Einstein, Science, Philosophy and Religion: a Symposium, 1941
Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labor in freedom. - Albert Einstein, Out of My Later Years, 1950
It is the duty of every citizen according to his best capacities to give validity to his convictions in political affairs. - Albert Einstein, Treasury for the Free World, 1946
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. - Albert Einstein 
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not one bit simpler. - Albert Einstein 
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. - Albert Einstein 
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. - Albert Einstein 
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. - Albert Einstein
The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them. - Albert Einstein
You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war. - Albert Einstein
At any rate, I am convinced that He [God] does not play dice. - Albert Einstein, In a letter to Max Born, 1926
If A is success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut. - Albert Einstein, Observer, Jan. 15, 1950
When you look at yourself from a universal standpoint, something inside always reminds or informs you that there are bigger and better things to worry about. - Albert Einstein, The World as I See It.
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. - Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or or not. - Fran Lebowitz
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon Bonaparte
None but a coward dares to boast that he has never known fear. - Ferdinand Foch 
Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. - Dan Rather
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. - Franklin P. Jones
The truth is rarely pure and never simple. - Oscar Wilde
Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable. - John Kenneth Galbraith
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward. - John Maynard Keynes
Humor is also a way of saying something serious. - T. S. Eliot 
We always like those who admire us; we do not always like those whom we admire. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld 
Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices. - Laurence J. Peter
An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field. - Niels Bohr
There is no kind of dishonesty into which otherwise good people more easily and frequently fall than that of defrauding the government. - Benjamin Franklin 
Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody. - Benjamin Franklin
They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. - Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790), Historical Review of Pennsylvania, 1759
Wish not so much to live long as to live well. - Benjamin Franklin
He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money. - Benjamin Franklin
Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none. - Benjamin Franklin
Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. - Benjamin Franklin
Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight. - Benjamin Franklin 
Drive thy business or it will drive thee. - Benjamin Franklin
Beware of the young doctor and the old barber. - Benjamin Franklin
Hide not your talents, they for use were made. What's a sun-dial in the shade? - Benjamin Franklin
Well done is better than well said. - Benjamin Franklin
I've been accused of every death except the casualty list of the World War. - Al Capone
Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead. - Scottish Proverb
Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy.  - Robert Anthony
...happiness is the highest good, being a realization and perfect practice of virtue, which some can attain, while others have little or none of it...  - Aristotle
The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.  - Ben Franklin
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. - Mark Twain
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. - Mark Twain
He is able who thinks he is able. - Buddha 
There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home. - Kenneth H. Olson, President of DEC, Convention of the World Future Society, 1977
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside. - Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are. - Anonymous  
There are no great things, only small things with great love. Happy are those. - Mother Theresa
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again. - Al Goodman
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done. - Andy Rooney.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes. - E.W. Dijkstra
Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language. - Conan O'Brien
Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans. - Conan O'Brien
CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.' - Conan O'Brien
Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob. - Conan O'Brien
President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards. - Conan O'Brien
President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003. - Conan O'Brien
The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.' - Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.' - Conan O'Brien
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. - David Letterman
Software is like sex. It's better when it's free. - Linus Torvalds
A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. - Charles A. Lindberg
Paranoia is a Virtue. - Secure Programming for Linux and UNIX HOWTO
Testing can prove the presence of bugs, but not their absence - E. Dijkstra
The Bush plan to screen the whole US population for mental illness clearly indicates that mental illness starts at the top.  - Rev Dr Michael Ellner
A word to the wise is infuriating. - Hunter S. Thompson
America... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable. - Hunter S. Thompson
Call on God, but row away from the rocks. - Hunter S. Thompson
Going to trial with a lawyer who considers your whole life-style a Crime in Progress is not a happy prospect. - Hunter S. Thompson
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. - Hunter S. Thompson
I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours. - Hunter S. Thompson
If I'd written all the truth I knew for the past ten years, about 600 people - including me - would be rotting in prison cells from Rio to Seattle today. Absolute truth is a very rare and dangerous commodity in the context of professional journalism. - Hunter S. Thompson
It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top. - Hunter S. Thompson
No man is so foolish but he may sometimes give another good counsel, and no man so wise that he may not easily err if he takes no other counsel than his own. He that is taught only by himself has a fool for a master. - Hunter S. Thompson
Publishers are notoriously slothful about numbers, unless they're attached to dollar signs, unlike journalists, quarterbacks, and felony criminal defendants who tend to be keenly aware of numbers at all times. - Hunter S. Thompson
That was always the difference between Muhammad Ali and the rest of us. He came, he saw, and if he didn't entirely conquer, he came as close as anybody we are likely to see in the lifetime of this doomed generation. - Hunter S. Thompson
The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over. - Hunter S. Thompson
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side. - Hunter S. Thompson
The person who doesn't scatter the morning dew will not comb gray hairs. - Hunter S. Thompson
There is nothing more helpless and irresponsible than a man in the depths of an ether binge. - Hunter S. Thompson
Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible. - Doug Larson
Forgiveness comes not from the heart but from a fragile human memory.  - Mike Hutchison 
I never wanted to be famous. I only wanted to be great.  - Ray Charles
It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.  - Scott Adams
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.  - A. Whitney Brown
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?  - Dick Cavett mocking the TV-violence debate
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl. - Unknown
Seizing this rare opportunity, I motion to the airhostess and inform her that I could easily rid them of vast quantities of cumbersome beer and make this flight a lot safer for all concerned, to which she replies "Sorry sir, we don't serve drink until we are airborne." Obviously she mistook my perfectly understandable English for some alien code and I was forced to reduce my instruction to monosylables which was surprisingly met with compliance. Having secured something liquid refreshment, I released the hostages and returned to my seat.  - Alan H. describing a successful business trip
It is generally agreed that Hello is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said Goodbye, it could confuse a lot of people.  - Dolph Sharp
Americans never recognize an idea unless it has white wings or a forked tail.  - H.L. Mencken, 1920s
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.  - Steven Wright
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.  - Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.  - Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for the Fish
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.  - Steven Wright
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire...  - Steven Wright
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.  - Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?  - Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, Well, what do you need?  - Steven Wright
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.   - Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.   - Steven Wright
I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates. - Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. - Steven Wright
Half the people you know are below average. - Steven Wright
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. - Steven Wright
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. - Steven Wright
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - Steven Wright
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. - Steven Wright
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. - Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. - Steven Wright
OK, so what's the speed of dark? - Steven Wright
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? - Steven Wright
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. - Steven Wright
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. - Steven Wright
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. - Steven Wright
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? - Steven Wright
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? - Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. - Steven Wright
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. - Steven Wright
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. - Steven Wright
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. - Steven Wright
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. - Steven Wright
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. - Steven Wright
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. - Steven Wright
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. - Steven Wright
Dance like it hurts, love like you need money, work when people are watching you.  - Scott Adams
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.  - William Clayton 
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.  - Johnny Carson
Earlier today, the Pentagon launched the biggest air attack in Iraq since 2003. The White House said the attack will continue until President Bush's approval rating goes above 40%. - Jay Leno
Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while.  - Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics
Pentagon records show that at least 8,000 members of the all-volunteer U.S. Army have deserted since the Iraq war began. Hey, at least somebody has an exit strategy. - Tina Fey
Looks like some kind of civil war brewing in Iraq. Well, who could have seen that coming? That came out of left field, huh? They say it is total chaos over there. People are roaming the streets with guns. It's like everyone is Dick Cheney now. - Jay Leno
Already there have been reports of 1000 fake ballots in the Iraqi election. So it looks like another victory for Republicans. - David Letterman
A rumor is circulating that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld will retire next year. Today, Rumsfeld denied it, saying if you've seen my work in Iraq, you know I don't plan that far ahead. - Conan O'Brien
The FBI is investigating Americans .. just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in Iraq, we could try it over here. - Jay Leno
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. - Jon Stewart
Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records? - Jon Stewart 
The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him. - Jon Stewart 
We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem: it's in North Korea. - Jon Stewart 
If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American: our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that. - Jon Stewart 
President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's been doing. - Jon Stewart 
In his speech President Bush said we need to rebuild Iraq, provide the people with jobs, and give them hope. If it works there maybe we'll try it in New Orleans. - Jay Leno
Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, was shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird. - Jon Stewart
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.  - In the August 1993 issue of PS magazine
You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden. - Jon Stewart
Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the U.S. official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. Quote: 'The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.' Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube. - Jon Stewart
We finally cleaned up public housing in New Orleans. We couldn't do it, but God did. - Rep. Richard Baker (R-LA) to lobbyists, as quoted in the Wall Street Journal
Last week North Korea publicly admitted for the first time it has nuclear weapons. The Bush administration has so far shown very little concern, as the North Korean missiles are believed only capable of reaching the Blue States. - Jon Stewart on North Korea's nuclear weapons program
They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, 'I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.' - Jon Stewart, on his sniping match with Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala on "Crossfire"
You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show. - Jon Stewart, bitchslapping Tucker Carlson during an interview on CNN's Crossfire
Mayor Nagin and most mayors in this country have a hard time getting their people to work on a sunny day, let alone getting them out of the city in front of a hurricane. - Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA), on why New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin failed to follow the city's evacuation plan and press the buses into service, Fox News Sunday, Sept. 11, 2005
I have not heard a report of thousands of people in the convention center who don't have food and water. - Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, on NPR's "All Things Considered," Sept. 1, 2005
We just learned of the convention center  we being the federal government  today. - FEMA Director Michael Brown, to ABC's Ted Koppel, Sept. 1, 2005, to which Koppel responded: "Don't you guys watch television? Don't you guys listen to the radio? Our reporters have been reporting on it for more than just today."
There are a lot of lessons we want to learn out of this process in terms of what works. I think we are in fact on our way to getting on top of the whole Katrina exercise. - Vice President Dick Cheney, Sept. 10, 2005
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams. - Rita Rudner
We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?  - Lee Iacocca
I cannot tell you how grateful I am, I am filled with humidity.  - Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House 
If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure.  - Dan Quayle
Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.  - Sen. Barbara Boxer, (D, Calif.) 
Get some devastation in the back. - Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, to a staff photographer as he posed for a photo op while visiting tsunami-ravaged Sri Lanka, Jan. 6, 2005
If Al Qaeda comes in here and blows you up, we're not going to do anything about it. We're going to say, look, every other place in America is off limits to you, except San Francisco. You want to blow up the Coit Tower? Go ahead.  - FOX News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, after San Francisco voted to ban military recruiters from city schools, Nov. 8, 2005
I question it based on a review of the video footage which I spent an hour or so looking at last night in my office. She certainly seems to respond to visual stimuli. - Sen. Bill Frist, diagnosing Terri Schiavo's condition during a speech on the Senate floor, March 17, 2005 [The autopsy later revealed she was blind.]
If you'll look at my lovely FEMA attire you'll really vomit. I am a fashion god. Anything specific I need to do or tweak? Do you know of anyone who dog-sits?  Can I quit now? Can I come home?  I'm trapped now, please rescue me. - Ex-FEMA Director Michael Brown, in various emails to colleagues and friends in the immediate aftermath of Hurricane Katrina
What I'm hearing which is sort of scary is that they all want to stay in Texas. Everybody is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway so this (chuckle) ..this is working very well for them. - Former First Lady Barbara Bush, on the hurricane evacuees at the Astrodome in Houston, Sept. 5, 2005
Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job. - President Bush, to FEMA director Michael Brown, while touring hurricane-ravaged Mississippi, Sept. 2, 2005
Considering the dire circumstances that we have in New Orleans, virtually a city that has been destroyed, things are going relatively well. - FEMA Director Michael Brown, Sept. 1, 2005
Now tell me the truth boys, is this kind of fun? - House Majority Leader Tom Delay (R-TX), to three young hurricane evacuees from New Orleans at the Astrodome in Houston, Sept. 9, 2005
What didn't go right? - President Bush, as quoted by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), after she urged him to fire FEMA Director Michael Brown "because of all that went wrong, of all that didn't go right" in the Hurricane Katrina relief effort
I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees. - President Bush, on Good Morning America, Sept. 1, 2005, six days after repeated warnings from experts about the scope of damage expected from Hurricane Katrina
I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible? - President Bush, in a note to to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a U.N. Security Council meeting, September 14, 2005
You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war. - Pat Robertson, calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, Aug. 22, 2005
The era of procrastination, of half-measures, of soothing and baffling expedients, of delays, is coming to a close. In its place we are entering a period of consequences.  - Winston Churchill
I am not going to give you a number for it because it's not my business to do intelligent work. - Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, asked to estimate the number of Iraqi insurgents while testifying before Congress, Feb. 16, 2005
I was trying to escape. Obviously, it didn't work. - President Bush, after being thwarted by locked doors when he tried to exit a news conference in Beijing in the face of hostile questioning from reporters, Nov. 20, 2005
The brakes were useless, the car was wandering. The rear end was coming around. I jammed it down into Low, but it made no difference so I straightened it out and braced for a serious impact, a crash that would probably kill me.  My heart was full of joy as I took the first hit, which was oddly soft and painless. No real shock at all...  Yes. These huge white lumps were not boulders. They were sheep.  - Hunter S. Thompson
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and BSD. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.  - Jeremy S. Anderson
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.  - Mitch Ratcliffe
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.  - Robert Firth
Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the tenth century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the practice. - Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.  - Peter Steiner
Personal Web pages are the '90s equivalent of home video, except that you don't have to visit someone else's house to fall asleep; you can do so in the comfort of your own home.  - Ray Valdes
As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs.  - Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging in 1949
UNIX was never designed to keep people from doing stupid things, because that policy would also keep them from doing clever things.  - Doug Gwyn
Less than 1% of the world population has access to internet; 50% never touched a telephone. - Computerworld, 10 June 1996
The future masters of technology will have to be lighthearted and intelligent.  The machine easily masters the grim and the dumb.  - Marshall McLuhan, 1969
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.  - Andrew Tanenbaum
Artificial intellegence is no match for natural stupidity. - Sarah Chambers
To us and those like us, damn few left. - Old military quote.
Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software. - Arthur C. Clarke 
My computer goes down on me more often than my girlfriend. - Robert Paul
The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim. - Edsgar Dijkstra
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. - Edsgar Dijkstra
Always be wary of the Software Engineer who carries a screwdriver. - Robert Paul
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people. - Unknown
Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders?  - Friedrich Nietzsche
Two great European narcotics, alcohol and Christianity.  - Friedrich Nietzsche
The best weapon against an enemy is another enemy.  - Friedrich Nietzsche
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. - Rodney Dangerfield
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. - Rodney Dangerfield
The path of least resistance is the path of the loser. - H. G. Wells
Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there. - John Wooden
Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they have seen me laugh, and they have seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo. - Bill Maher
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his. - Ronald Reagan (During 1980 presidential campaign)
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P. J. O'Rourke
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. - Albert Einstein
In the beginning the Universe was created... This made a lot of people angry and was widely regarded as a bad move. - Douglas Adams 
Water is the only drink for a wise man. - Henry David Thoreau
An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while a pessimist sees only the red stoplight. . . The truly wise person is colorblind.  - Albert Schweitzer
There are times when fear is good. It must keep its watchful place at the heart's controls. There is advantage in the wisdom won from pain.  - Aeschylus
Hey, Steve, just because you broke into Xerox's store before I did and took the TV doesn't mean I can't go in later and steal the stereo.  - Bill Gates
640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates circa 1981
If you can't make it good, at least make it look good. - Bill Gates on the solid code base of Win9X
There are people who don't like capitalism, and people who don't like PCs.  But there's noone who likes the PC who doesn't like Microsoft. - Bill Gates
These troublesome questions have plagued the Internet since its inception, to say nothing of all the phreakers using their 28.8 baud modems to hack the Pentagon with their Prodigy accounts. - Stephen Colbert
Too many good docs are getting out of the business.  Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country.  - George W. Bush, in Polar Bluff, Missouri, September 6, 2004
It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way.  - George W. Bush, Washinton D.C., April 28, 2005.
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we.  They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.  - George W. Bush, Washington D.C., August 5, 2004
We need to apply twenty-first century information technology to the health care field.  We need to have our medical records put on the I.T.  - George W. Bush, Collinsville, Illinois, January 5, 2005
I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft.  - George W. Bush, St. Louis, Missouri, October 8, 2004.