IBM Buys Episcopal Church
For Immediate Release
The Chairman of IBM announced today that, in response to Microsoft Corp.'s
acquisition of the Roman Catholic Church, IBM has bid for and acquired the
Protestant Episcopal Church in the United States of America for $1 billion.
"We are the oldest and most prestigious computer company in the world,"
he said, "and we cannot be seen to be lagging behind in the race for
preeminence in the religious software and hardware markets. We have tendered
an offer to the Most. Rev. Edmund Browning, Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal
Church and Pamela Chinnis, President of the House of Deputies of General
Convention, and they have recommended acceptance to the shareholders / communicants."
The Episcopal Church is one of the oldest and most respected denominations
in the United States. Many current and former officeholders, including
many Presidents, have been communicants. Although its membership was declining
in recent years, the latest figures show a slight increase in membership.
A combination with IBM will probably be beneficial in terms of putting
"fannies in the seats" in Episcopal Churches across the United
States.
There will also be great benefits to IBM in terms of international connections
through the Episcopal Church. The Church is one of the most senior members
of the international Anglican communion by way of its separation from the
Church of England after the Revolutionary War and the consecration in 1784
of its first Bishop, Samuel Seabury. IBM hopes to gain a foothold in the
international religious business through these connections, and perhaps
tender a bid for the entire Anglican Communion by the time of the next meeting
of the world Anglican bishops in London in 1998 (Lambeth Conference). The
Archbishop of Canterbury, The Most Reverend George Carey, could not be reached
for comment.
IBM and Episcopal Church are "good fit"
IBM has had the distinction of being the first and, up until several years
ago, the most successful computer company in the world. It was founded
by Herman Hollerith, the inventor of the computer card, in the late 1800,
and concentrated on business machines such as adding machines and typewriters
until the invention of the computer in the 1940. They invested heavily in
this new technology, and became rich from selling and maintaining them in
the 1950's through 1980's.
However, IBM's stodgy corporate culture prevented it from taking advantage
of newer technology. It almost entirely missed the value of personal computer
technology in the late 1970's, allowing other companies to use processes
it developed to make so-called "clone" personal computers. It
therefore lost out on the billions of dollars spent on this technology over
the past 15 years.
IBM has recently spun off its typewriter and printer businesses and concentrated
on PC building and software, and has even resorted to layoffs for the first
time in its history. The slogan, "No one was ever fired for buying
IBM" has become a bitter joke in the business world.
The Episcopal Church was, for a long time, considered the most successful
of the Protestant Churches in terms of wealth and power. Many of the rich
and famous swelled its numbers, and its liturgy was noted for its archaic
beauty as much as its treasury was noted for its gilt-edged bonds.
However, in recent years, with the dying-off of the elderly rich and the
fall in the birth rate among the bluebloods who remained, the Episcopal
Church has suffered both a decline in numbers and in influence and wealth.
Notwithstanding the slogan, "The Episcopal Church Welcomes You,"
numbers have only recently begun to increase again as the Church begins
to be seen as a place where outcasts can take part in its life.
Along with IBM, the Episcopal Church has had to resort to layoffs to balance
its budget, and the merger will allow both organizations to trim even further
their personnel costs. IBM's chairman said today, "We have been known
as the place where the white-coated mystics take charge of computers in
sealed rooms. As a direct result of this merger, our white-coated mystic
roster will be cut by half and merged with the ordained ministry of the
Episcopal Church. After all, they also wear white garments when celebrating
their mysteries. The similarities outweigh the differences, and we think
that we can bring their white-suited mystics up to speed in JCL and C++
within a few months."
The Presiding Bishop and Ms. Chinnis issued a joint statement saying: "We
welcome this merger as a meshing of two great but sometimes old-fashioned
institutions. The merger will allow us to cut our technical staff by half
again, and concentrate our resources on becoming the largest and most successful
Protestant Church in the United States. Our first IBM mainframe is already
being installed in the basement of 815 Second Avenue, the Episcopal Church
Center in New York."
They continued: "So that we can assure ourselves that the Apostolic
Succession will be continued, the Bishops of the Episcopal Church will lay
hands on the Board of IBM in a ceremony at the Cathedral of St. John the
Divine in New York City. Then, the entire House of Bishops will travel
up to Armonk, where they will be instructed in the use of the personal computer."
The business writers of most US newspapers will join the religion correspondents
in recording this momentous occasion. Both the business and the religious
communities are awaiting the new developments that this historic merger
will make possible.
His Eminence Bill Gates, had no comment.