Descent into Microsoft (Part 3)
February 25, 1999
Jon Splatz

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 GOTO 40
30 GOTO 10
40 GOTO 30

I feel like I'm stuck in a hideous GW-BASIC program written
by some snot-nosed eight year old.  I can't get anywhere,
I'm surrounded by GOTOs.  I'm trapped in an infinite loop,
unable to free myself from the savage nature of Murphy's
Law.  Will I ever finish my odyssey to obtain a Windows
refund?  I'm beginning to have my doubts.

In Part 2, I described my plans to attend the Windows
Refund Day rally at the Microsoft offices in Foster City,
CA.  I thought (erroneously) that this would be the moment
of triumph; I would obtain my Windows refund once and for
all.  

I should have known better.  When Microsoft is involved,
things never work out right.

My adventures began on Sunday, when I checked into the "El
Raton Grande" motel, a few miles away from the Microsoft
offices. I don't speak much Spanish, but I do know that
"grande" means "big".  Indeed, this motel was a big
ripoff.  The water was opaque with mud, the mattress felt
like it had been produced in 1950, and the ceiling light
flashed off and on every few minutes in a strangely
hypnotic pattern.

I had trouble sleeping that night.  A buzzing and
flickering neon sign outside my window prevented me from
falling asleep. Frustrated, I shut the drapes over the
window.  I discovered that some of the ink on the drapes
had rubbed off onto my hands. I tried to wash my hands, but
the muddy water from the faucet only made my hands dirtier.

The room only had one small towel in it, which had the
words "Property of Holiday Inn" written on it in big
letters.  After some effort, I was able to clean off most
of the muck from my hands.  

I knew that I wasn't going to be taking a shower or
brushing my teeth in the morning.

I suppose I can't complain too much, however, since Humorix
was paying the expenses for my trip.  I just wish James
Baughn wasn't so stingy.

[Editor's Note: Most Humorix field reporters are only given
a bus ticket and a trash bag to use as a tent.  Splatz
should consider himself lucky.]

The next day, Monday, was the First Annual Windows Refund
Day. Since no refunds were distributed, next year will
likely contain a Second Annual Windows Refund Day.

Wanting to vacate the motel as soon as possible, I
frantically dressed and packed up my baggage.  The fact
that I saw several large rats behind my bed contributed to
my haste.

I drove over to the Foster City Microsoft office compound, 
stopping at a city park along the way to wash off my hands
at a fountain.

When I arrived, I spotted a crowd of anxious news reporters
and TV crews -- but no refund-demanding Linux geeks.  I
didn't see any Unix zealots waving "I'm Pro-Choice!" or
"Linux Rules!" signs.

After spotting me, the herd of reporters pushed and shoved
towards me, screaming questions and flashing pictures. 
Instead of asking me about the Refund Day, they bombarded
me with computer questions, hoping to get free technical
support from a geek.

"My palm pilot just crashed... Can you help me?" one
insisted.  "At home, my computer makes this whirring sound
and the hard drive-thingy goes chooka, chooka, chooka... Do
you think this is bad?" another asked. "How should I
prepare for Y2K?" a TV correspondent asked.

Finally, a few members of the media asked more relevant
questions.

"I've heard a lot about 'open source software'... How is
opening a source different than opening a window?"  Before
I could get a word in edgewise, yet another reporter posed,
"Who is this Colonel Linux I've heard so much about, and
what military branch does he serve in?  Is he responsible
for organizing the refund campaign?  Is the Linux operation
system named after this colonel?  One more thing... you can
run Microsoft Windows in Linux, right?  What about Office?"

I was getting quite frustrated, and wanted badly to yell
"Shut the HELL up!" I kept my cool, though.  I, Jon Splatz,
the enlightened Humorix pundit and social commentator, was
surrounded by a mob of clueless, vapid members of the
media.  It was my duty, I told myself, to educate these
people. Getting angry wasn't going to help, I had to calmly
explain what the Windows Refund campaign was all about.

Before the next inane question could be posed, I quickly
began my spiel. "You probably all have lots of questions
about this event and why you're here.  Let me try to
explain.  Several thousand people worldwide are fed up with
the lack of quality and freedom of Microsoft software.  A
group of programmers have created their own alternative
software -- based on 'Open Source'.  The details are hard
to explain, but this group values free beer, free peanuts,
and free speech.  In particular, free speech is essential
because, since most nerds are socially inept, they need
spokesman to communicate to the rest of society for them.
Free speech is thus very important, but it is something not
offered by Microsoft..."

I continued my speech, trying to educate the crowd of
ignorant reporters.  I thought it was quite a nice
impromptu speech.  I was able to succintly cover the
differences between Cathedral and Flea Market design
methodologies, the history of the GUN Project and Richard
M. Stallman, and the fact that boxes of Red Hat Linux are
available for free at many computer stores.

Unfortunately, all the journalists lost interest in my
speech after a couple minutes, and they began to chatter
among themselves.

"Stupid story assignments," one reporter mumbled to a
colleague, "I could be reporting on the swimsuit models
photo shoot, but instead I'm here covering some idiotic
nerd revolution involving exactly ONE person.  I really
need to get out of this business..."

I heard one TV cameraman say, "Hey, Bob, did you hear about
the latest Internet Explorer collectible CD Microsoft has
released?  It features Steve Ballmer."  Another replied,
"That's nothing.  I just picked up a limited edition
'Vigilante DoJ Investigation' IE CD-ROM, featuring a "Who
Does Janet Reno Want To Sue Today?" soundtrack.

As the news reporters chattered among themselves, I
wondered if my trip to Foster City had been a waste.  It
didn't look like I would be obtaining a Windows refund
today.  GOTO 10.

However, the situation suddenly reversed itself.  The geeks
showed up.

Led by Eric "Obi-Wan" Raymond, a shabby group of Linux
geeks holding protest signs and wearing jeans and T-shirts
marched towards the parking garage.  The photagraphers
started snapping pictures, and the reporters began to
frantically take notes.  

"Now there's something you don't see everyday," one
reporter boasted to a colleague as he showed a coveted
special issue Nathan Myrrhvold Internet Explorer CD. 
Looking up, he exclaimed, "Whoa!  What's with all the
commotion?  Did I miss something?"

The small group of protestors climbed up to the top of the
parking garage.  They chanted protest songs, but I couldn't
make out any of the words except for an occasional "Linux"
or "GNU/Linux".  I found out later that Richard Stallman
had specially requested that the protestors say
"GNU/Linux", but many refused, causing the chant to be
uncoordinated.  It sounded terrible.

Meanwhile, I heard strange shuffling sounds from behind me.
I turned around to face a large staff of Microserfs
frantically preparing for the confrontation with the Linux
brigade.  They had put up a large "Microsoft Welcomes the
Linux Zealot Community" banner and erected tables with
refreshments and stacks of Microsoft promotional
literature.

It appeared that Microsoft had prepared. They were ready
for the Windows Refund Day protestors.

And they were ready for me, Jon Splatz.  While the
reporters were busy reporting, and the refund protestors
were busy protesting, a Microsoft employee came up to me
and said ominously, "Valued Customer Splatz, please follow
me."

Unnoticed by the others, I followed the Microserf into the
office compound. In hindsight, it may have been foolish of
me to follow blindly.  I acted on impulse.  Heart racing
and face sweating profusely, I entered into the unknown
world of Microsoft.

It was then that I had the most disturbing thought of my
life.  I remembered the dream I had from a few days before,
in which two Microsoft goons busted into my apartment and
"assimilated" me.  Was it really a dream?  Was I actually
under the control of Microsoft?  Was my blind obedience to
this Microserf -- who somehow knew my name -- the result of
my induction into the Microsoft collective?  Was I about to
undergo the first session of re-education?

No, it couldn't be.  If I was truly under the spell of
Microsoft, I wouldn't be having these thoughts.  I wouldn't
be aware of my assimilation.  It must have been a dream.  I
was Jon Splatz, Humorix pundit and social commentator, not
Thirteen-of-Zero, Microsoft Borg drone.

Or was I?  My mind was in a state of disarray.  My mind had
bluescreened.

I followed the Microserf through a maze of hallways, and
into a stairwell at the far back of the building.  I became
winded after we climbed to about the fifth floor.  "We must
continue climbing," the Microserf said monotonously. He
added, "The elevator isn't working.  It won't go to the top
floor.  Rest assured, Microsoft support teams are working
on the problem and should have a fix within the next week."

Once we reached the top of the stairs, he led me through
another series of hallways, until we came to an office. 
Another Microsoft employee was sitting behind a desk,
waiting for my arrival.  "Please sit down, Valued Customer
Splatz," he prompted. "Good work, Jay.  You can go," he
said to the first Microserf.

I sat down and looked around the Microserf's office
nervously.  Was that a copy of Red Hat Linux tucked away in
the corner?  It couldn't be.

He then handed me a business card.  It had a picture of the
Earth with a penguin sitting contentedly on top.  "WORLD,"
it said.  "WORLD Organizes Rapid Linux Domination."

"What the h...?" I tried to exclaim, before the Microserf
interrupted me with "Linux is futile!" and motioned me to
be quiet. He then took the business card from my hands and
scribbled a brief note on it, "This room is bugged by
Microsoft drones... don't say anything suspicious... PLAY
ALONG... it's vitally important!!!"

My mind had bluescreened again.  What was happening?  I
felt like I was trapped in some cliche spy movie.  I never
liked movies about espionage, not only could I never keep
track of the characters and the plots, but they never
seemed realistic.

And yet, in a small Microsoft office in Foster City,
California, I had stumbled on to some kind of spy ring
involving Linux.  Was I closer to my goal of obtaining a
Windows refund?

"Unfortunately, Customer Splatz," he began, "we can't give
you a Windows refund.  You'll have to take this up with the
Customer Financial Affairs Department in Redmond."

Apparently not.  My quest would continue, I was still
trapped in the infinite loop.  GOTO 30.

Unless, I thought, this was all a ruse, something to
placate the faceless Microserfs listening in on this
office.  

"Do you think the Customer Affairs department would give me
a refund?" I asked, playing along.

"Probably not.  Still, you might be able to find out some
important information at their website.  Here, let me write
down the address for you..."  

He wrote down the address on a Microsoft business card,
which he then handed to me.  The address he wrote certainly
wasn't for a Microsoft department -- it was a numeric IP
address, followed by several levels of directories. 
Underneath he scribbled what looked like a username and
password.

"Sorry that I can't assist you further, Customer Splatz.  I
have to be downstairs in ten minutes to hand out 'Dear
Valued Customer' letters to the group of Valued Customers
who are, ah, expressing themselves outside.  I trust you
can find your way back out, right?  Or should I call Jay to
escort you?"

"Uh, I'll find my way out..." I responded, still bewildered
by the situation.

"Oh, one last thing.  Company policy dictates that we make
sure that all our Valued Customers have the latest
collectible Internet Explorer CD."  He unlocked his desk
drawer and pulled out two CD-ROMs, which he quickly handed
to me.  "Please take them," he said, before ushering me out
of his office.

My first meeting with a real life Microserf was over.  I
still didn't have my refund, but I had picked up some
clues: two CDs and a mysterious website address.  I was
still in the endless loop, but I had encountered an
undocumented instruction that might help me.

My mind busy pondering the events that had just transpired,
I quickly became lost in the Microsoft office complex.  I
asked a passing employee where I was.  Without stopping, he
said, "You are in a hallway," and then he scurried off.

"You are in a hallway" sounded a lot like my present
situation.  I could see the immediate surroundings, but I
didn't know what was ahead of me.  I didn't know where this
hallway would lead me.  I didn't know if I would obtain my
Windows refund, nor did I know what events awaited me in
the future.  I didn't know what was contained on the two
CDs or the website address the Microserf handed me.  I was
clueless, trapped in a Microsoft office complex and trapped
in an endeavor that may never come to fruition.

GOTO 10, I thought.

It took me about 30 minutes, but I finally found the
stairwell leading to the exit.  Unfortunately, by the time
I made it back outside and over to the parking garage, the
refund protestors and the news reporters had all disbanded
and left.  The First Annual Windows Refund Day was over.

Driving home, I began to think about my adventure so far. 
I never realized that my Windows refund odyssey would be
such a hassle.  I wondered if climbers about to ascend Mt.
Everest truly realize just how far it is to the summit.  I
certainly underestimated the amount of effort it would
require to obtain a Windows refund.

With all the hardship, though, my story was making an
excellent series of articles for Humorix.

And then it hit me.

When my odyssey was finally over, I would have enough
material for a book. A list of possible book titles raced
through my mind.  "Battling Redmond: The Jon Splatz
Adventure". "I Don't Pay Bills".  "Shutting Windows and
Closing Gates". "Into Thinning Hair: The Undocumented Story
of One Man's Triumph Over Microsoft".

I could then run excerpts of my books on Humorix, along
with a link to Amazon where visitors could instantly buy
the book.  I would thumb my nose at the publishing
establishment. My book would become a success through
grass-roots support from the geek community!  

I would make publishing history!

But first, I thought, I have to obtain my Windows refund. 
I had to make it to the top of Mt. Everest before I could
write a book about the climb.  I had to exit the infinite
loop before I could move on.

Get ready, Microsoft, Jon Splatz is coming.

---

James S. Baughn
http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/