Hacker breaches heaven.com Just for the record, its probably worth pointing out the fact
that I do know the difference between a hacker (which I am) and a cracker (which I'm not)
and why the above usage is incorrect. But many people do not know the difference and would
be wondering why I was talking about cheese biscuits gaining access to a webserver. So I
used hacker. So bite me.
JERUSALEM - In an announcement yesterday which came as a surprise even to himself, Jesus
apologised for what he termed a "minor breach of heavenly security".
Mankind's Saviour revealed that, traumatised and "slightly hurt" by his
embarrasingly self-inflicted experience being nailed to a cross, his security had been
somewhat lax of late and that someone had hacked into Christ's mainframe root account and
been issuing decrees for quite some time under His alias.
The hacker, who called himself "d3TOn@Tor" has avoided detection thus far but
Christ was confident of his imminent arrest.
"Yea, I am all seeing." Christ said "and whilst I have a deep
and unending compassion and love for all makind, I'm going to fuck that guy up so bad when
I catch him even his own mother won't recognise him. Amen."
The hacker gained access to the heaven.org domain root via the nameserver on the
heaven.com domain, a newer domain Christ was forced to establish after Internic
authorities ruled that an annual income of over $40bn might conceivably be classified as a
"commercial enterprise", and thus undeserving of an *.org domain
extension. The new domain was running Microsoft's Windows NT Server 4.0 without several
key security patches.
"Verily I say unto you, that Windows NT server t'is the Devil's own operating
system, and I cast it from me." Christ told reporters.
"Begone spawn of Satan," added Mankind's Saviour.
"It explains alot." Bishop Redmond Kingston told reporters, "Things
were getting kinda hairy for a while. We were trying not to let on, but the whole thing
had just gone to shit, I mean priests being arrested for pornography and embezzlement, we
were wondering exactly when Our Saviour was going to step in. Took his fucking time,
didn't He?"
"Quite frankly, Christ just hasn't been the same since the whole Cross incident."
said Michael Gerben, religious scholar and head of Comparative Religious Studies at
Michigan State University. "Really put the willies up him, that did, He hasn't
been the same since. His mind's just not been on the job."
"I have faith in Our Lord to catch the perpetrator and deal with him
appropriately," said Bishop Steven Faulding of Rye Church, "but screw
forgiveness, I hope He toasts the fucker. "
Jesus reassured reporters that any internal confliction or absurdity in his doctrine was
not due to any fault on His part, but rather was the result of the hacker gaining access
to his /usr/god/bs/doctrine fileserver. "frankly, you'd have to be potty to
believe all this crap that's been fed out recently."
In the hack, the main webpage of Jesus's heaven.org domain was altered drastically - the
words "Welcome to Hell" being crudely substituted for the original "Welcome
to Heaven" and a badly drawn graphic of Jesus in a pornographic pose with two naked
women being inserted in place of a more reserved picture of Jesus in full robes, along
with the words "hacked by d3TOn@Tor".
Most noticeably, however, the hacker rerouted the mail server DNS, causing all of the
estimated 200,000 daily emails to the heaven.org domain to be bounced without explanation,
and sparking widespread confusion amongst His flock.
"Oh Lord, why hast thou forsaken me?" Marjory White, 53, of Cheshire,
England asked, seemingly addressing the empty air in front of her. "Your POP3
server appears to be down in my hour of need."
"Fear thou not, for I am with thee." replied Christ in an boilerplate
email reply several hours later, "Verily, though, the mail server was fucked."
"I was most vexed by the troubles with our electronic mail," He later
told reporters, "for it prevented me from spreading the light of my undying
affection for humankind through the fortuitously expedient form of electronic media. Yea,
my voice spans oceans, and my breath stirs the very winds of the Earth and of the Heavens,
but lo, its a lot less bother just to reply to a few emails. I say unto you, Whatever you
wish to say unto me, say unto me via email."
Jesus has been shunning print media as a carrier for heavenly communications since the
United States Post office revealed last year that all letters addressed to Jesus Christ
were being archived in a large warehouse in North Dakota, sharing space with letters
addressed to the tooth fairy, Santa, and the Keebler Elves . Around the same time last
year a deranged postal employee gunned down two of His Reverend Sisters before shooting
himself, which many observers saw as the last straw in the already frayed relationship
between Mankind's Saviour and the Post Office. Heaven is now fully wired and Christ
requested that all appeals for salvation, requests for increased fortunes or messages for
dead relatives should be sent via email.
From now on, Jesus advised Christians wishing to reach him to finger His server before
attmpting any direct communication. The server has been upgraded and patched and Christ is
now sure that the server is safe from further disruption by minions of Satan, but some
critics remain doubtful of Jesus' abilities.
"I think we must question Christ's claims to be the Saviour of All Mankind when
he can't even look after a webserver." said 43 year-old Paul Strong, a graphic
designer from Birmingham, who was rushed to hospital forty minutes later with third degree
burns caused by lightning, "What a fucking loser."