The Computing and Internet Inferno

Introduction

Canto I

The Dark Channel of Parity Errors ¹

One Friday night in 1993 2 I went away from the
     brightly lit areas of the silicon-based 3 world
     into a dark and empty channel 4,

where I lost contact with the world 5.  
     Although I suffered greatly in this place, 
     I was taught a great lesson while there.  

I will convey my story with the hope 
     that those reading will heed its warning.  
     I was beginning my journey to virtual happiness 

and felt that nothing short of a GPF 6 could prevent my ascent.  
     My page was getting 100h 7 hits per hour 8 
     and my phone was always ringing with calls from Washington 9.  

But I turned and did not close that channel immediately.  
     And as I watched it I saw an avatar 10 
     of a tiger run out and block my path.  

I could not pass and began to back away from the goal, 
     and shortly afterward a donkey 
     proceeded out and joined the blockade.  

I began to get nearer to the channel again 
     when a giant snail slithered out 
     and forced me all of the way back in.  

As I returned to the bottomless pit 
     from whence I had come, I saw now a figure, 
     to which I called out, "Hello, my good man.

Have compassion for me and comfort me."  
     He then replied to me, "I am not a man, although I used to be.  
     I was born in the reign of George III in England.  

I was a mathematician and member of the Royal Society.  
     You are the question.  What brings you 
     to this void of cyberspace?  

Why did you not continue up to virtual paradise?"  
     I, in amazement, then replied, 
     "Can I assume then that you are the famed inventor 

and designer of the analytical engine 11, Charles Babbage?  
     I can assure you that you are among my greatest role models, 
     and that I aspire to genius such as yours.  

I must say that I did not continue my journey 
     because of the three horrible beasts which blocked my path."  
     He then said to me, "No surfer 12 can pass by those beasts, 

so I will guide you through a dreaded place, 
     where many souls suffer in eternal torment.  
     Come with me, and be a better person because of it."  

I responded to him, "Sir, be my guide as you lead me into the horrors of hell."  
     He then said, "Follow," and I silently did as he said.

Canto II

The Descent

I continued my trip into this forlorn place, 
     which I hope to record here as best as I can.  
     I grew tired and my fingers became sore 13 as I continued my descent.  

I said then to my guide, "You must guide me 
     and be my technical support 14 for this journey.  
     For how am I worthy of such a journey into this previously unseen world?"  

And my guide to me, "You appear to be quite shaken 
     by imaginary perils that infect many men.  
     I will hope to provide that support which you desire.

I was a soul among all of the others in Limbo
     when I was called by a beautiful and blessed lady
     to come and find you and help you:

'My dearest friend has fallen to a such a desolate place
     that I come to see that he is removed from the dark places
     and is brought back to the correct port and IP 15.

Please fly down to him and with whatever aid you can give,
     help to rescue him from  the virtual world that takes him hostage.
     Do this for me and I will be forever grateful.

It is I, Nora 16, who speaks to you now with this request.
     I was called here from the blessed heights by Love,
     and if you fulfill my request you shall forever be praised in heaven.'

So how can you be afraid of this journey when you have backing you
     nothing short of heaven?"  And so my spirits once again became brighter,
     and my confidence was restored.

I said, "Bless the Lady who comes forward on my behalf!"
     I finally told my guide that we should carry on and we began our journey.

Canto III

The Vestibule of Hell - The Opportunists

I AM THE WAY INTO THE SERVER OF WOE.
I AM THE WAY TO A LIFELESS PEOPLE.
I AM THE WAY INTO ETERNAL ISOLATION.

SACRED JUSTICE MOVED MY CODER 17.
I WAS ENGINEERED HERE BY A DIVINE SUPERUSER 18,
PRIMORDIAL LOVE AND DIVINE INTELLECT.

BECAUSE THERE ARE NO ELEMENTS NOT WORN BY TIME,
THERE WERE NO ELEMENTS MADE BEFORE ME, AS I WAS MADE BEFORE TIME.
ABANDON ALL HOPE OF A SYSTEM UPGRADE YE WHO ENTER HERE.

This gibberish I saw flash on my screen as I logged on 19,
     looking for interpretation, I turned to my guide,
     "Tell me, what is the meaning of this shouting 20 written here?"

My sage then initiated me as if I was a newbie 21,
     "You must gather all of your courage and cast aside all cowardice here.
     This is the host 22 I told you to expect.

Here you will see souls who have lost all intellect."
     Then my guide, by some power unknown to me, flashed a :-) 23 on my screen
     and led me past that opening message and into the virtual depths below.

Here I heard the screams of people in great agony,
     and I was shocked nearly to tears by the pain they seemed to be in.
     Standing there in horror, I asked my guide,

"Who are these wretched people who are in such anguish?"
     In response he said, "These are the people 
     who failed to align themselves with computing or against it.  

They are here with those despicable programmers 
     who did not work for the good or bad of computing, 
     but only for their own fame and fortune.

They are rejected by both Heaven and Hell, and so we find them here.
     As they took no position in life, in death they have no position.
     They are chased around in a murkiness that reflects the murkiness of their position.

No mention of them survives they are denied existence in every DNS 24.
     And so let us move on away from here and forget these pathetic souls."
     So I did not stop to speak to them and we continued on.

Next we came to a crowded place where many gathered by river.
     I was told by my guide that here were the souls of the damned, 
     waiting to be ferried over the river Unix and into hell.

A monster guarding the river said to me as I approached,
     "All those souls who board this vessel are bound for eternal torment,
     and for those who still have their accounts 25,

you will not cross here, so go on and leave these who are dead alone."
     But my guide came to my aid, "Magnitogorsk 26, 
     do not attack the being of my companion, for this is not under your power to control."

Even as that piece of renegade code quieted himself,
     the souls waiting to board the ferry cursed and swore,
     but they had not seen the right path of the digital world, and had themselves to blame.

My teacher then told me as we watched more gather to replace those who just left, 
     "My son, all those who commit sins against the computer
     come to this awful place after they have left that reality."

As he finished, all of my windows closed and my virtual world shook.
     My computer crashed 27 and I was left blind and without senses.

Canto IV

Circle 1 - The Virtuous Pagans

My terminal came back up and I found myself across the Unix.
     There was hell before me, a set of concentric circles descending
     deeper and deeper into the abyss.  So deep that I could see no bottom.

My guide said to me,
     "Let us now begin our descent into the true depths of hell.
     I will lead and you will follow me where I go."

In contrast to the chaos on the other side of the Unix, 
     there were no screams or wails of despair here.
     Only barely audible sighs of despair and grief from these depressed people.

My guide then asked me, "Do you not want to know who these people are?
     Why do you keep silent?  These people were not sinners.
     They simply did not live to see the dawn of computing.

They were born before the time when the digital world was invented,
     and so could not realize the joys and wonders it has to offer.
     I am from here.  I never saw the electronic computer.

We are not punished except that we have no hope 
     for greater technology in the future.  Also here are those children
     who did not reach the age at which they could understand computers before death.

This realization that many a virtuous person was in this area of hell
     came down heavily on my heart.  So I asked my master,
     "Has any soul ever left this place and gone to blessedness?"

He said, "Yes.  Mr. Hollerith 28 was taken out of here after his company created the PC 29."
     Soon after he finished speaking a cry came up, "The Master returns!
     He who went away is back with us again!"

The cry went away and we saw a line of people.
     "Note the people you see there," said my Master,
     "There are Blaise Pascal, Archimedes, and Euclid; all great mathematicians."

Behind them came two people whom I did not recognize,
     but my guide told me that they were the unknown ancients 
     who invented the abacus and the zero, contributions almost unmatched since.

The five greeted my guide by name and we joined them.
     We came to a wonderful site which dazzled the eye with color,
     and I was taken back by it for a few moments.

I realized, however, that although that was the greatest place one could find without belief,
     it paled in comparison to what was found in the truly good part of computing.
     And then our group was reduced by two,

as we continued on another road.  Leaving this place we entered the place of sinners,
     and left the hope of serenity behind.

Canto V

Circle 2 - The typewriter users

Upon reaching the second circle, we ran into a grinning Mozilla 30,
     who examined each soul as it approached and passed judgement on it.
     Mozilla belted a warning, but my guide rebuked him.

So we arrived at the second site and I was immediately taken back
     by the loud noise of keys hitting paper.
     Here were legions of people working at thousands of typewriters.

I asked my guide, "What wrong is it that these people committed?"
     He replied, "They did not adopt true computing and used typewriters
     even after the dawn of the electronic age.

Here they stay serving their sentences of eternity, chained to the cold, hard floor."
     Each soul had one old typewriter in front of him and a large volume by King 31 beside him.
     The true source of their agony, however, 

was that each had one of his hands bound behind his back.
     On the free hand, four of his fingers were bound so that he could type
     with only his pinky finger.  Overseen by guards,

these damned copied the books in front of them for eternity.
     I saw from a distance the people who had taught me religion 32,
     but my guide hurried me on.

As we walked on, I saw my father's father among the ranks,
     and thought, "His years of typing brought him to this." 33

The sight of my grandfather brought deep sorrow to my heart
     and I fell onto my keyboard, which brought the whole system down.

Canto VI

Circle 3 - The Non-Spreadsheet Users

Circle 4: Linux - Pogue

With my guide's help I got my computer up and running once again,
     and we continued on.  It was now past three AM Saturday morning,
     and my teacher was explaining to me the chaos theory.

We came shortly to the another ledge which was the edge of another circle.
     As looked out, we saw a spring spewing horrible water.  My guide said,
     "This is the river Linux 34, which marks the end of Upper Hell."

Across the river were countless unidentifiable souls
     engaged in a massive battle fought entirely, it seemed, with pencils.
     I asked my guide, "Why is it that they are battling with writing implements?"

"These people used pencils to do math when living,
     so in hell they try to destroy each other with their tools.
     They did not follow the true path laid out by VisiCalc 35."

Screams came from that area and blood poured into the murky Linux.
     We came to a halt next to a great monolith, but shortly thereafter
     we saw a boatman come across the water towards us with great haste.

"How does he know to come," I asked my guide.  The response came, 
     "Do you see this tower here?  There is an IR 36 transmitter here
     which calls the boatman from across the water.

The boatman arrived and asked, "Do I have you at last, you pathetic damned?"
     But my guide replied, "Pogue 37, Pogue, we are not here for you,"
     and he went on to explain our journey as he had before.

Pogue was greatly enraged, as if he had been cheated,
     but then we boarded the boat and went on.
     On the other side, a figure rose up out of the marsh and said,

"Could this be my son here in hell?  I know why I am here 
     I never did my accounting with a spreadsheet,
     but why is it that you, who uses computers to their fullest, are here?"

I was shocked to see my mother here, but I knew that she belonged in this place.
     As we departed, I said, "May you forever be tortured for your ignorance."
     And as I said this the Master shoved her away from the boat.

We were approaching the other side of the Linux and my guide said,
     "Here we will find the great city of hell."

Canto VII

Circle 4: Cupertino - The Fallen Angels

Circle 5 - The Heretics

My guide told me, "Soon we will be entering the capital city of hell, Cupertino. Pogue 38"
     I replied, "I can already see the glow of the city."
     Then the boatman cried, "Get out! Get out!  This is the entrance."

But as we stepped out of the boat more than 3E8h Pogue 39 spirits descended and cried out,
     "Who is this righteous one that comes to hell?"
     My master and guide talked to them, but with only partial success.

My guide then reassured me that with the forces we had behind us,
     nothing could prevent us from fulfilling our journey.
     There was aid coming from heaven to cure all of our woes.

But as we waited, three infernal IS personnel Pogue 40 appeared in one of the turrets.
     They turned to me and cried in unison,
     "Delete him!  Delete him!  He is foreign to our system!"

But my guide assured me that they did not have permission Pogue 41 to do any such thing.
     Then there was a great event, as the Heavenly Messenger arrived.
     He was the great Andreessen Pogue 42, 

and he opened the gates of Cupertino without effort,
     at the same time scolding those who had blocked our path.
     We then entered into Cupertino.

There I saw rows of people, each chained to the wall, 
     who were undergoing some kind of torture.  
     Next to each was a computer.

The condemned souls underwent all kinds of awful things.
     They would be stabbed in seemingly random locations
     and fire would come out of the floor below them, to name a few.

I asked my guide, "How is it that the punishments for these souls are decided?"
     "These are those who rejected the superiority of computing,
     so the computers are superior over them and control their fates with random numbers."

We continued on through this circle when I saw someone I recognized,
     although I did not know where I recognized him from.
     In addition to the torture, he was reciting the phrase,

"The Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race,"
     certainly a phrase that would be against computing,
     over and over again.  I did not recognize it, so I approached him.

"You look familiar, what is your name?" I said to him.
     "I am Theodore Kaczynski."  This meant nothing to me.
     I hesitated and he added, "Today, I am better known as the Unabomber. Pogue 43"

This offended me greatly, as the Unabomber was loathed by all,
     and I spat on him and urged Mr. Babbage to lead me on.

Canto VIII

Circle 6: Drive ⁴⁴ A - The Macintosh Users

We came to the mountainous edge of a new pit, where there was a scene as desolate as any.
     VRML 45 boulders were scattered about, 
     apparently as a result somehow of our repeated crashes.

As we descended the rocky cliff, a snorting monster came into view,
     My master shooed him away, "Kalaha 46, what makes you so mad?
     Do you think it is McAfee 47, who took you to your death?"

While Kalaha fumed over this insult, we hurried on.
     In front of us lay a valley with many men running around, 
     pelting each other with apple cores.  Thousands of mice were there also,

biting and tearing at the men's clothing.  But for all of this, the melee was silent.
     I saw that the men were communicating by drawing pictures on the ground,
     but there was no talking whatsoever.  My guide then offered this,

"These men are the Macintosh 48 users.  As they worshipped the mouse 49 and Apple in life, 
     these become the instruments of their torture in death.
     The same as they could not use words 50 in life, they cannot use them in death."

When we tried to descend the hill we were approached by a band of Omicrons,
     who came wielding infectious code 51 and looked mean.
     They asked why we approached and warned us not to proceed.

My guide, however, convinced their leader, Flip 52, to let us pass.
     We continued to where the Macintosh users battled.
     I then recognized my good friend, Will Cothen, as a participant in the war.

I called to him and he broke from fighting to see me,
     but he could not speak.  He drew a large :-( 53 and went back to war.
     I loudly lamented his fate, but I was quickly rebuked by my guide,

"Do not feel sorrow for this wretch and worshipper of MacInTrashes 54, friend or not.
     Now let us go on and continue our journey."

Canto IX

Circle 6: Drive B - The Users of Obsolete or Inferior Products

We surfed on from the land of the Macintosh users and descended further into the abyss.  
     There we found a great forest with trees that seemed to stretch on forever.
     My guide said to me, "Here is a place of great suffering.

We are in the second drive and will be until we enter a vast plain 55.
     If you look closely you will see that these trees are more than they appear to be."
     I heard the screams of souls in agony, but I could not find them.

So I asked my master, "Where are these souls hidden that I can hear but not see?"
     He replied, "They did not care that their computers were obsolete,
     so here they are encased in wood, an obsolete material, and forgotten."

Gesturing to a tree in front of us, he continued,
     "There is one way to speak to them.  Pick up one of the headsets
     which are attached to each tree and you may speak to the encased soul.

But do not attempt to communicate digitally.  
     Their past behavior has denied them that privilege."
     I began to talk to one of the souls which I could not see,

and I asked him, "What is it that you have done to be here?"
     He replied, "I am not a bad person.  My computer came installed with MS Works 56
     and I did not remove it.  I did not buy Office 57 like so many millions."

I did not understand what was causing the agony these souls were in,
     so I inquired further, "Why is it that you cry out as if in pain?"
     "We are not in pain physically, as some are.

What we suffer from is Ah 58 times worse.  We suffer from mental anguish.
     Inside this wood our minds are given nothing to do,
     and we cannot engage in even physical activity like the others.

The boredom that comes with an eternity of doing nothing is as bad as any torture."
     I left this unknown Works user and rejoined my guide.
     I stopped and approached another tree to talk to.

"Why is it that you are here?" I asked.  Not answering my question, he responded,
     "Who is it that comes to greet me?  I believe it is a living person."
     "Why I am here is of no concern to you.  Who are you, damned for eternity,

who dares make such demands?"  I replied, somewhat annoyed.
     This time he answered me in full, "I am Paul Thompson of Cheverly.
     I am here because I let my son's computer grow obsolete." 59

I was thoroughly surprised, but surprised myself in the harsh way I treated him.
     "Father!  So, you suffer here for your sins against me and computing.
     You might care to know that mother is here also, 

with the Non-Spreadsheet users."  And with that I left him there,
     and with my guide continued on.

Canto X

Circle 6: Drive C - The Me Tooers and the Spammers

Next we exited the forest and approached a vast plain.
     Here I saw a sight which both confused me 
     and almost made me burst out laughing.

It was once again an immense area of sinners, carrying out their eternal punishments.
     But here their seemed to be two different kinds of sinners,
     because although some here were working at computer terminals;

others were sitting at tables and eating miles high stacks of meat.
     Seeing me to be confused, my faithful guide gave an explanation,
     "As you have probably deduced, there are two distinct types of sinner here.

Why are they together?  They both have committed crimes against the Internet.
     The sinners who toil at computer screens are those 
     who quoted messages only to add one line

and who were seen with messages consisting only of 'me too.' 60
     They work for eternity using mail to tell the violators of today
     to reform their ways 61 before it is too late for them as well.

As for the others whom you found so funny,
     they are those guilty of posting to many groups at once.
     As fitting punishment they eat stacks of mysterious meat forever. 62

There will be no break from this punishment for them.
     The supply is always replenished, and although they get full,
     they simply vomit the contents of their stomachs and start again."

As we approached the damned, I was startled by the strong winds
     which swept across the plain.  But we pushed on and soon came across a soul
     who was working at one of the computers.

Before I had spoken, he began, "Woe is me!
     I posted many a one line message with lines and lines of quoted text.
     I did not know that my newsreader did this.  I swear it!"

But I interrupted him, "Shut up!  You should have RTFM! 63
     This stupidity is inexcusable."  I reached down and slapped his hands,
     that he might type with even more pain than before.

"Let us continue on," I said to my guide.
     "We cannot talk to the spammers, for they have lost their ability to speak,"
     he replied.  We passed many a putrid spammer,

wallowing in his own filth.  Then we reached the edge of the plain
     and saw, to my great amazement, a huge sedimentary cliff 64.

Canto XI

Circle 7 - The Malicious

Build 1 - The Playful Hackers

Build 2 - The Criminal Hackers

My guide came over to me and typed something on my terminal.
     Soon, to my great surprise, appeared a great beast.
     My guide called to it, "Come here, Gergana 65.

Now take us slowly and gently down," and he beckoned me to get on the monster's back.
     When we crossed over the ledge I was taken by surprise
     by the huge walls of fire which bordered this area.

Gergana took us inside the walls of fire 66 and put us down gently.
     Here we saw hordes being chased by gremlins
     who wielded sharp objects.  I asked my guide,

"Who are these sinners, and what are the weapons that those monsters use?"
     "These are the playful hackers those who did not hurt anybody
     but broke into computer systems for pleasure only.

Their fitting punishment is that they are hacked at physically by the gremlins which you see.
     The weapons which you ask about are sea shells 67,
     ground down to give them sharp points, which cut with little effort."

I then approached one who was on the edge of the fray
     and inquired as to his deeds on earth.  His reply,
     "I will say that my name is Jason 68, but no more.

I was simply playing around for my own pleasure.
     I am not deserving of this!"  I was extremely disgusted at his response,
     so I went away without speaking anymore.

We continued past the area with the playful hackers,
     and arrived in a large area with a pit full of depressing souls
     who ran around and shouted some form of gibberish.

I said to my guide, "What sin have these souls committed,
     and why are they running around as if they were animals?"
     He explained it to me fully, "These souls have had the frontal portions

of their brains stolen from them.  They are the hackers who stole.
     The retribution for the theft of intellectual property is to have their intellects stolen."
     Although his figure was grotesquely deformed,

I recognized one of these as Kevin Mitnick, the great thief of credit card numbers.
     Because these souls had no intelligence, we could not speak to them.
     We continued around this area and came near the wall of fire.

My guide forced me to close my eyes while he typed at my terminal,
     and somehow got us through the flames.

Canto XII

Circle 7: Build 3 - The Greedy

The Center - Satan

When I saw what lay ahead of us, I was greatly astounded.
     With the heat of the great walls of fire mysteriously behind me,
     ahead of me was a great field of ice.

There were bodies scattered all around frozen in the ice.
     As we approached the center of iced area,
     I saw the head of Bill Gates poking out above the surface.

I asked my guide, "Why is it that he suffers here?"
     He responded, "Here are punished the worst sinners of all,
     those who suffered from an excess of greed."

I approached Bill and said, "Once you were my hero.
     You were the smartest and the greatest of them all,
     but I came to realize the money-hungry rage with which you ran your empire 69.

Stay here now, frozen forever in ice, unable even to move."
     As I was led on by the master I kicked the back of his exposed head.
     Then we approached Satan himself.

He was a large, awful bug 70 with two heads 71, one on each side.
     In each head's mouth there was a sinner, to be chewed on until the end of time.
     Not enough of these souls was visible to make them recognizable,

so my guide offered an explanation, as he had so many times in the past:
     "These are the Steves who preserved their profit margins over all 72.
     They are the greatest evildoers of all time.  Now, follow me."

He approached Satan and beckoned me to follow.
     He then began to climb the back of the giant insect,
     an act which left me confused.  Then, however,

as if by magic we were righted and I saw the sun rising in the east.
     It was Saturday morning, and my journey through hell was finished.